February 8, 2019
This past year didn’t end the way I thought it would. There was no coming together of families for the holiday’s and big, New Year’s celebrations. 2018 ended along with the relationship I had been in for 6 years with the man I thought I was going to marry and spend forever with. 2019 began with me moving out of my ex’s house to a new home and new city. I honestly think I’d known for a while that this relationship was not working, but familiarity and comfort are hard to give up. So is control over your life… or at least it is for me. When I made the tough decision that I couldn’t stay any longer, all I could think was, “This is not how my life was supposed to go… I was supposed to be happily married by now, with a stable career and kids.” and, “why, of all the times, does this have to come crashing down right before Christmas??”. I know some people might be thinking how trivial this is or that it’s just a breakup, but this is the person I’ve dated since I was 19. The person who was with me as I became an adult and even though in the grand scheme of things it is trivial, it’s the hardest thing I’ve dealt with in my 25 years.
After we decided to split at the beginning of December and after lots of tears and doggie kisses (I’m pretty sure Capone thought I was dying) a sense of relief washed over me. You know, that type of crying sesh that induces profound thought? Well, it was one of those. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt acceptance and so so free! I mentally decided that I was going to relinquish some control over my life and that I could fight the wave of the unknown or I could ride it! I stopped telling myself that this is something that’s happening TO me and instead that it’s happening FOR me. I also realized that I had forgotten how true happiness feels and that I’d lost a part of who I am, because of my attempts to mold myself into someone who could save my relationship.
Despite my breakup, I’m happy to report that since mid- December, I’ve been doing more yoga, spending more time with my pooch, gone to more random coffee shops and have so many fun things planned 😊 I don’t know if God flipped some switch on in my head or maybe off lol but right now, not knowing exactly where my life is going exhilarates me! I 100% believe that God has a plan for everyone and if mine is to get married, I hope I can use this experience to love my future family with all of my being. And if that’s not the plan, I’ll use this experience to love others with all of my being.
So why am sharing this?? I’m sharing this for you, because I know how lonely it can feel when you’re dealing with something painful. I’m sharing this because I think hearing other people’s stories, even if they’re completely different from your own, is so therapeutic and healing. And I’m sharing this for me, because by confronting my brokenness, I start to feel more whole. If you can embrace acceptance, that what’s done is done, have faith, that things will get better and you will be happy again, and trust that there’s a plan and purpose for your life, nothing will keep you down for too long! And I had to throw something about pixie dust in the title because I’m a Disney girl lol. Leave a comment below if you know what Disney movie that’s from! Lots of love and thanks for reading!!
Xoxo
Amber
❤️❤️❤️